Prose 2001 - 2002, 2004
MO : Prose 2001-4 | Prose 2021+ | Songs 1972-4, 2021-3 |
Prose Writings #1
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The following prose was written under the influences of Nick Drake, Tim Buckley, Sandon Point and Tibet. They are my thoughts and reactions to people, events and places, covering the period from late 2001 through to just prior to my being elected to the Australian federal parliament in October 2002, and shortly thereafter. It was a tumultuous time, personally, and life-changing. The prose was often a call and response reaction to the writings of Ariane Lewis, who was an especially strong influence on me - and many others in the Illawarra community - at the time, especially in regard to the promotion of Tibetan Buddhism. In my teens during the early 1970s I had written prose, mostly in the form of songs, but nothing much in between. I also first experimented with blogging via MySpace around this time. Unfortunately my MySpace archive did not survive the system's deletion in 2018. The following are some of my writings from 2001-2002.
- Rain I 27.9.01
- I dream of you... 28.9.01
- Rain II 24.10.01
- Pink Sky 31.10.01
- A Certain Scent 5.11.01
- My Spirit - She Flies 5.11.01
- The Answer 6.11.01
- Saturday Morning 6.11.01
- Where is Keira? 7.11.01
- Commuter Views / Blues 13.11.01
- To the Sky 13.11.01
- Time 13.11.01
- Lovesick Blues 13.11.01
- The Circle 16.11.01
- My Phantasmagoria (Things left unsaid) 14.12.01
- 'Top a Mountain of Dreams 8.1.02
- Like Air 22.2.02
- In search of an elf, in search of a life.... 11.3.02
- Happy Autumn 16.4.02
- Santana 5.7.02
- I dream of you .... (too) 25.8.02
- Strange feeling #2 14.4.04
-----------------------
Rain I
Rain came down, like a gentle mist
Floating - light and free.
Long hair flowing, moonlight energy,
Soft as honey - sweet.
Rain came down,
Swept me away - a torrent, a smile.
A caress, a kiss
Wet.
Rain.....
Flood, of emotion - joy to be free
Here at the end of the world - today.
Forget the rest!
Terror and pain
Bombs and ballistics - men playin' games.
The sky's blue above,
Sun.
White clouds abound
Trees all around
Arouse and excite me
Your arms - they invite me
Teeth - bite me
No pain
Rain.....
Rain came down, washed me away
So free.... so free....
Washed me away
27.9.01
-----------------------
Rain II
Woke up this morning
to a welcoming sound,
Of rain
Falling gently, on an old tin roof.
Bird song in the distance - magpie, bower, wren and crow.
Water gently bubbling down a rusty drainpipe,
So near.
Grey light greets me
The sun is shy,
The day starts slowly.
No wonder why.
A train sound in the distance,
Bouncing off the 'scarp
West? East?
Just Mother Nature's game
Who knows from whence it came?
Fall back to sleep,
to a sound of Rain
Sweet, gentle rain, on an old tin roof......
24.10.01
-----------------------
Pink sky
Pink clouds sail over an afternoon sea
Flat, sparkling, ripples running, cool
As the last light of day sees the darkness descend
Stillness arrives,
and the sound of waves
remains.
A full moon rises,
hiding briefly
behind swift running clouds of pale grey.Shallow,
they cannot claim the night
against the sun-like moonBright as day.
Smoke rises gently, from the picket fire
Flags flutter in a dying breeze.
Winter ends, summer is near
A memory,
of it and you.
Farewell....
31.10.01
-----------------------
Where is Keira?
Where is Keira?
Shrouded in mist.
Hiding her face,
Refreshing her kiss.
Washing of rocks,
Restoring of green.
Wait for the day,
when the sun is seen.......
7.11.01
-----------------------
Commuter Views / Blues
7.30am.
Clouds of grey, hanging low,
The air is chilled and people stand,
Dark coated and grim.
Awaiting a train
A journey north,
to their new day,
again and again
and again.
No sun
to warm their bodies,or blue sky above.
Half asleep, eyes heavy
Automatons all.
Hiss!
The train arrives,
the crowd rush forward.
They shuffle and shake,
polite but determined.
Someone saves you a place,
your very own space.
You smile and get seated.
Sit close by the window, forlornly look out,
as the last glimpse of ocean p
asses by,to the south.
Around you is grey -
not of sky, but carriage
Fresh painted wall,
of plastic and chrome.
Lots of people reading,
some snooze, others chat
You cannot but note,
a word here and there.
The train rocks and shakes,
ever gently so
Air condition's dull roar overrides it all
A rattle of bracelet,
"What did you do last night?"
A shuffle of newsprint,
a novel page turns.
Tunnel darkness flashes by, outside
Not like days of old, when the carriage went black
And as children we shouted and yelled
as the smoke enveloped us all.
Tall trees a blur
green and grey
they line the line
In the far distance landscape
blue sky is seen
I spend my time writing,
these lines,
though so few
thinking
looking
reading.
Some days I try sleeping,
a few minutes here and there.
Others wide awake - my mind racing
No music like that time
when the train fast and jumpy
was so scary, so frightening
the noise was my company
Loud and heavy.
But slow is the way now
she slides along gently.
and slow.
Now wait - 50 miles along
the sun is revealed
blue skies and gleaming!
We have come such a long way
fresh air and washed trees
now the scene makes.
No more chill, or greyness
heavy coats are dropped
the faces they warm
smiles? - perhaps not.
For the commuting's not over
'tis only Monday morn
perhaps by Friday arvo
we can come alive
once more.
13.11.01
-----------------------
Time
I sit down by you
close to the side
and take your hand gently
with mine eyes open wide.
I kiss you so softly
close my eyes tight to bind
think of nothing more
'cept this moment in time.
Our arms embrace tightly
so close, yet as one
as though we need saving
from the world all around.
Our minds intoxicated
the fire - it burns
no drugs, no others needed
just my lips dry for you.
Is this love our last?
how can anyone know
for I love you right now
that's all we need show.
A kiss, a caress
Savor it so.
For ‘till the end of time
when we’re old and all alone
this memory will linger
It is ours 'n ours alone.
To have no one else,
just ours alone.
Do not belittle, deny, or forget.
To know and to love you
for there is no regret.
Just a yearning, deep yearning
to start afresh;
at the beginning of time
just me and you
and yet - I wonder?
No - it cannot be......
Do not think of heartache
that waivers for you.
Do not wonder ‘bout what I
dream
savor
my saviour.
Please, please believe me
this love is for you
it lives,
is not over
and yet.....
13.11.01
-----------------------
To the sky
I look to the sky
I look to the sea
To the mountains of madness
all around me.
I look to the ground,
to the earth deep below
See a rock,
piece of coal,
Of these things that I know.
This place it is in me,
sustains and protects
Leaves me at peace
To leave I’d regret.
I try not to think,
let it take over my life
For this love of my country
would land me in strife.
Asleep under stars,
on a cold winter's night
I need to relate,
to get close to that earth.
Settle my life,
settle my birth.
Wipe away confusion,
clear out my thoughts.
Replace them with you?
Well there's a problem in that
As I have no control,
just love sickness attacks.
13.11.01
-----------------------
Top a Mountain of Dreams
Well I dreamt one night of
standing
‘top a rugged, lonely mountain.
Looking all around,
at what I had just found:
open space and energy,
clouds, and no humanity,
sky and air extending,
to the far horizon.
And you were there beside me,
having climbed that sacred mountain.
Searching for but Nature’s soul,
for freedom and salvation.
Together on a journey,
learning and a climbing.
Separate but united,
looking on and up.
Upon the start we stood
alone,
together at the base,
Here no words were spoken,
though I gazed upon your face.
Then our eyes they focused upwards -
The goal she lay ahead.
A temple mount, of green and brown
A strange – nay eerie – beck’ning sound.
I took your hand and questioned:
"Why, my love, are you here?”
For this journey up to now
had been but one,
alone.
"Follow me", was
your reply.
"For I have no fear.
I will guide and protect you;
Cherish you and nurture.
I do not know the path,
yet together we must go.
Follow friend, believe me.
Follow, you must
follow."
So together in the climb,
through the forest,
over rocks,
Lush green ferns,
vines
and tangled roots.Sandstone,
granite,
mud
and pebbles too.
You led the way so surely -
You knew just what to do.
Despite your youth,
you held the truth
– you knew just what to do.
I followed blindly onwards,
gladly and serenely.
I strive, the top, to reach
it
in a single day.
"I have to reach the top” I thought.
Though if the truth be known,
the goal was not the mountain top,
but standing by my side.
Setting out so early,
for the summit at the sundown;
Magic walk and magic talk,
along an ancient way.
Location so revealing,
heightened senses so appealing.
Hand in hand we go together
– I know I love you
– just a feeling and no sound.
For there’s no other in this world,
‘cept you and me and Nature.
As we travel up that path,
As we journey into one.
Our souls they know the
way;
no words we need to say.
Of the meaning, of the
depth,
of the journey undertaken.
For the journey is not
here,
upon the rock and fern and way,
But within us now a beating,
in our hearts and in our dreams.
Every second, every moment,
Together,
and apart.
I feel that need, that
yearning,
from your precious beating heart
So I looked up to the
mountain,
our journey had begun.
So beautiful and clear,
no battle need be won.
But danger is about,
and fear is threatening’ here.
So take care, my love
Take care and walk with
cheer.
Would we by chance but make
it,
take the path so right and true?
To stay away from danger,
stay united, meet another.
Perhaps forget about each
other,
or stray along the path.
Find a friend, perhaps a lover?
You and me – behold no other….
Would time be on our side this day?
Friend or foe – I do not know.
Anxious that he’ll cut us
off,
and severe in our prime.
Fearful that she’ll stop
the clock,
and drain away our time.
Before we reach that mountain top
and view that view sublime.
But perhaps the other way abounds,
Forget the winds, the howling sounds.
When time allows us both to stay,
to take forever, and a day.
A lifetime open to us.
Yet the dream was not quite like this,
But as clear as Gheera’s summit.
When I dreamt of standing ‘top it.
With you - and you alone.
Like that time amongst the mist
When the world it ended there.
And I wished to dive right through it,
with you – without a care.
Like a seabird sweeping slowly
Falling freely, through the air.
So cleansed by walk, and climb through bush,
Passed crawling up the rocks.
And both collapsing at the peak,
full reaching its proud top.
With joy,
and sweat,
and gravitation.
Overwhelming exhilaration.
A rite, a ritual, we had endured,
a passage ‘midst turmoil.
To a place of cold stark beauty,
To a place so old and peaceful.
Full of no sound, and no smell,
where our own aromas dwell.
Alongside Nature’s glory,
At journey’s end it seems.
For we enjoy the moment,
the achievement, and the oneness.
'Twas in this green
nirvana,
this blissful state of dreaming,
That I held your hand and kissed you,
Upon twilight's final gleaming.
Awaiting mother Moon,
elated and ex-ousted,
We lay upon that mountain
top the world
and touched the stars.
My soul, it flew unhindered.
My heart, it cried for joy.
My love, it needs no other,
‘top that mountain of my
dreams.
And the raine it fell so slowly,
Cooled my wearied, weathered body.
Cleansed my spirit, filled
my senses.
With a warming inner glow.
Igniting my resistance,
to the world
and all its woes.
And the raine it touched me softly
So gently did I feel it.
Yet I knew not the power
of its clear and focused being.
In guiding me so sweatly,
so calmly and serenely.
To the moon, and stars, and spirits,
‘Top the mountain of my dreams.
And so the dream it ended,
as I woke amidst the sunlight.
Then I knew at once the
need in me
– to write, to write, to write.
For I must capture on this
page,
that journey into night.
The thoughts, the words, the vivid mind
The moment now, here to find.
The dream, the truth,
and heart felt passion.
My search for gentle love
– transcending –
the physical and time.
For in an instant it is gone
Though forever on my mind.
You and I upon that mountain,
chalice of my dreams.
Stranded with a longing,
‘top that mountain of my dreams.
8.1.02
-----------------------
A Certain Scent…
She smiles like the sun,
and melts you away.
Her scent so delightful,
as fresh as the day.
Mother Nature her mistress,
the Moon guides her soul.
Music and magic,
Words are the toll.
I give them to her,
to win but that love.
I pay any price,
look to stars up above.
To trees all around,
and a mountain defender.
To sky and clouds,
that revive and protect her.
Hair long and golden,
defines and delights.
A body unbroken.
A warrior with fight!
To take on the world,
to embrace the night.
Scent of a woman,
that's my delight.
5.11.01
-----------------------
The Circle
And so the circle comes
around
and turns right back to
you.
I've said my piece,
I've
laid it out
Gone down a path of joy and
doubt.
But in the end, this two
way street
Must be a round, a round.
What do you think?
Where will you go?
Of this I do not seem to
know.
It's up to you to say your
bit
and I no more to cry,
to speak.
Open heart and open mind
now to sleep,
The door - it must be
closed.
The time has come to seek
an answer,
to this sweet life I lead.
For if you I cannot hold,
An answer must be freed.
And down the road I take
right now,
Today, the future calls,
and down which track I go
alone
a searchin' for my soul.
She set me on this path of
joy
or on a road to ruin?
It was not simply you alone
and did I see it coming?
What has it come to here
and now?
What lies around the
corner?
Drive, she said
And away I went........
Fast I said,
no, slow it down,
be patient round this
corner
be patient, give me
laughter.......
16.11.01
-----------------------
My Phantasmagoria
{Things left unsaid}
So strong, so strong,
Emotions
- I must write.
All my thoughts and feelings,
what was said at night.
What was omitted,
obstructed,
or did not feel right.
Your smell.
So strong,
So lingering
so strong.
I ask the tarot lady
to open up my mind.
"What is the question - simple, keep it simple"
Clear your head - All is
fine.
"Am I in love"
was all I said.
And looked back to her.
The cards the were
shuffled,
the heat clearly defined,
the pack to be selected.
The story to unwind.
I turned them over, she made connections.
The answers came but slowly,
and in a roundabout way.
Or did they?
"Lots of good
ahead",
was what she said,
though turmoil right now,
for you.
A major break, it must be undertaken.
Decision, decision,
Though it will lead to good and joy.
"I see it in these cards, these lovely lovely cards."
Some cards were close to great and pure,
They just needed some direction.
An answer was not really
given,
though the path was clear to see.
A beautiful sun god - he shone upon me.
A wonderful card, she proclaimed.
A maiden dropped / jumped from the pack.
Uncanny, I thought
For I know who you are all
the same.
She placed it with the rest.
Had I passed the test?
Another card spoke of a mentor, giving guidance.
So I think of Tim,
and Nick and time.
Of sad sad songs, and sad sad rhyme
Of hearts a breaking and tears that fall.
Of mine own path, and not knowing it all
Or what to do,
what do I do?
Yet everywhere there's raine, my love,
And everywhere there's cheer.
And everywhere there's hope and joy
And everywhere there's fear.
So strong, so strong, emotions flow.
Cause me to write, to say I know.
Yet I do not know, I do not know
Where it will lead
Where I should go.
I do not know.......
Perhaps with time, with words and rhyme.
My love to give.
That's all I have.
Perhaps with time.....
14.12.01
-----------------------
My spirit, she flies
...and when I saw you there
today,
my spirit, she flies.
Your smile, so warm - it thrills me
Your aroma, so strong - chills me.
Fresh and alive, you are here,
So near.
I can eat it, sense it,
touch it,
feel it, live it, breathe it.
To the depths of my soul,
I need it.
While those all around, they fade.
Troubles. Chaos. All gone.
As the world comes to 2
- Me. You.
No matter the rest, no matter time past.
No matter events, longing and last.
Can I talk to you? Kiss you?
Hug, hold and calm you?
Smell you, envelope you,
Take my time,
love you…..
I came so close that day,
to saying, "Goodbye and farewell."
My reason – so weak.
Gut wrenching – I cry.
I could not continue, to love you so dearly.
From afar, yet so near, from afar, so far.
My heart it is breaking.
My dreams full of you.
Intoxicating, enchanting.
22.12.01
-----------------------
Dreams of loving you
I just could not stand it.
A love that was burning.
A love with no quenching.
I just did not know.
Must I suffer through this?
No suffice with a kiss.
It must end right now!
Free my soul.
So I thought I must say it:
"Farewell and goodbye"
Extinguish the fire,
and shed tears for the loss.
Die for your love.
and say it quite loud
- out of my life, no strife, no strife.
But this was a thought,
In passing, not real.
Then I saw you today,
On the edge with the sky.
You said nothing much,
Yet my spirit – she flies,
When I see you today.
My spirit, she flies.....
5.11.01
The Answer
Sittin' in a lamplit room,
thinking thoughts of you.
Of songs and stories, words
and eyes
Music in my head, no lies
And two men dead.
Their lives so true, the
colour blue.
Nick and Tim - they mean so
much to you.
They spoke of love, and
life around,
Bared their souls - it took
them to ground.
To love and feel, and share
it all,
To open up - you suffer,
fall.
I listen to the plaintive
plea
The music, emotion, the
words - I see
That to give so much, to
live on life
Not cut off - but seeking,
seeking
You pay the price
You pay a price……
Should I go there, where
hearts are pumping
Where emotions race, where
love is thriving
Should I stay here, in the
lamplit room
Safe and free, just me,
just me?
From all the love, from all
your love
Should I stay me?
I seek an answer - are you
the key?
The music, wonder, opened
now to me
A whole new way, a life
renewal,
Remembered faintly, from
long before.
The answer now? - it must
be more.
No answer comes.
Your soar, you soar….
I wait and see.
6.11.01
-----------------------
Saturday Morning
Lady of the moon
I love you?
Tell me what you're thinking
- what is on your mind
"It ends here now,
there is no denying"
Tears they flow, crying.
Our time has been so short
- yet it's come to this
"I cannot learn to
love you."
"We cannot kiss."
To have and hold, make love
untold
Wake in the morning, beside
you.
Hug and caress, don't deny
you. It cannot be.
It's come to this and my
heart is breaking
Underneath a Spring sun,
clear blue skies,
Gentle breeze,
a glistening sea.
It calls me, comforts me
Yet I need you here…..
Mountains defend me, so
strong and so proud
Keep the world at bay, for
just another day
Our piece of paradise
You - Me - Here
- this way
I love you, I love you,
for all that its worth
I wish it were otherwise
I seek a new birth
- a whole new life, another
chance
Different circumstance.
The joy
And the pain.
This word "love",
comes again
and again
Yet I just cannot say it
I don't understand it.
So powerful, so strong,
so many consequences.
I love you, I love you,
I love you.
What does it mean? Today,
here and now.
Tomorrow……
Is it forever or fleeting
Quick! There it goes!
Grab it, hold on to it
So precious
Save and protect it
Never let it go
6.11.01
-----------------------
Lovesick blues
I see you so rarely,
your eyes just a memory
your smile it is fading
our secret love sucks!
The two lives I’m leading
cannot coexist
one or other must win
drop the pretense
Yet I cannot go there
for lovesick I am
I cannot say no
i cannot share.
Would I want to die
for your love?
for your love
do you know?
who knows
for lovesick, I sigh
Everynight - I die.
So you must say to me
"Go away, go away
leave me to mine
to my life, to my
years."
Yet my love it is still
there
as I think of you always
endlessly, hopelessly
I dream of you tonight
scheme of you constantly
why, oh why?
When I think of you
my lips they dry
why?
13.11.01
-----------------------
In search of an elf, in search of a life....
Driving along this darkened
road
of curves and yellow
lineage
Rain, it trickles slowly
down
as windscreen stars are
shining.
Rocks and boulders fall
about
a sheer cliff overhanging
Danger is, and danger
shouts
In darkness - no defending.
My mind is in a foggy haze
of you and you alone.
Strange Meeting plays
in the cool night air,
and through this rain, I'm
not aware
Of who or where I'm goin'.
Around and round the curves
I speed,
Unknowing yet inspiring
Which way to go and what to
do
as along this road I'm
gliding.
For tonight it is just me
alone
as you are taken from me.
Adventure south, you're not
about
Our plane is half divided.
My mind is lost, no
thoughts united
as northward bound I'm
guided.
A party world of hobbits
calls
of young and old
acquaintance.
Dressed as drones, with
swords and capes
They drown in ale
I must escape.
I dream and scheme and
think of time
under the moon, upon my
arm.
A love entwined - a body
divine
A kiss! The world's a
wonder.
The surf it rolls and sands
are turned
Around our point of contact
A grassy verge, where first
we merge
A memory to linger.
Space and time it comes
alive
with young love reignited
beside the sands and
glistening sea
along our point of being.
For beneath us lies an
ancient earth
of bones and shells and
stories.
All new to us
Invaders we,
yet searching for
connection.
Kuradji man a link provides
for earth and understanding
Mother Nature side by side
assists our journey,
knowing.
So here she lies, oh sweet
divine
mistress of the moon.
Upon the sands of time,
beneath the trees
and deep within my
pleasured dreams.
Nothing real, though all is
true
of pleasure gained, so soft
and true.
under the stars
and clear cool moon
she came and went
so soon, so soon,
mistress of the moon.
11.3.02
-----------------------
Like Air
She floats - an apparition
Gently moving 'mongst us,
hardly.
Quiet, looking on, observing, taking notes, or
A picture, here and there.
Closeups - smiling faces, groups as one
Touching, entangled.
I did not notice, but she's there.
Snap! Mighty fine.
And when she makes contact
Her eyes, her smile, her hair
Beaming, bright, and energizing
She is there, she is there.
Floating free.
An apparition, translucent, like before
A life she once led
Before
In another time and place
An angel here amongst us,
now
An angel - can you see?
She moves through space
like air
An angel, flying free.
One minute she is with us
Another - she's not there.
An apparition.
20.2.02
Happy Autumn
Happy autumn
Leaves a fallin'
Winter's calling
To the sky
Kembla Gheera
Misty mountains
Leave me yearning
For days gone by ....
When they died, some returned as white skinned beings
others as dolphins, whales
They were the ancestors, the knowledge holders
You are one
You have the connection
Not I
You feel the spirit
You seek the knowledge
Within these pages
Within the minds of men and women
In their hearts and souls
The spirit is there
The knowledge is there
And it seeks you ....
-----------------------
Santana
Sittin' in Santana,
Thinking thoughts of you.
Sittin' in Santana,
Not knowing what to do.
Cut you from my heart,
Find a lover, make a new start.
No can do.
Sittin' sippin' coffee,
Cake and cream to ease the pain.
Lookin' round at lovers,
Playin all their little games.
Your smile so wild,
The moon makes you a child.
I can't leave it.
Sittin' in Santana,
Alone with my thoughts.
Trying to forget you,
No success, all remorse.
Doctor please help me,
Cut this feeling from my heart.
Mother please tell me,
How to forget you from the start.
I just want to wake up,
Clear and free and true.
I need to make up,
A new life without you.
But I'm sitting in Santana,
With somebody on my mind.
Every waking moment,
It is you I try to find.
Don't know what to do,
Where to go,
How to prove,
It's not you.
5.7.02
----------------------
I Dream of You Naked II (too)
Bliss
I hold your hand,
look into your eyes, and gaze upon a face,
so beautiful.
Your fingers, salmon red and plump, entwined with mine, pale pink, thin.
No words need be said.
I gaze and gaze upon your face.
That's
all I need
here and
now
there,
and then.
Your
face, your energy, your being
your
mind.
Bliss.
I know I
cannot have you more
but that
is cast aside for now.
We speak,
and drink sweet tea.
You.
Me.
I hear
your stories of having fun
- of
trannies, coke and gay young things, tempting lounges, lounge lizards all.
Caressing,
stroking, tempting.
The
cabaret of life.
And you
just watch, apart, observing, floating as you do.
I have
seen it.
Live.
But ah!
How strong are you
my
Buddhist friend?
How
strong will next time you be?
And why
should you be strong at all
when all
around is free, so free.
Consequences?
Perhaps,
but perhaps not.
I know
not what I would do if it were me.
Seeking
out that pleasure dome
Yoshiwara.
But all I
want is to be there
right by
your side.
No care.
Yet this
is not to be.
And her
here, another there.
Bliss,
and nothing more.
We hug,
we share, we look, intense
yet
nothing more, sweet nothing more.
Excitment
rises.
Yet
nothing more.
You hug
me, tightly, intensely, quietly.
You are
there.
The reality
is overwhelming.
What's in
your mind
on it
through
it
around
it?
Feelings.
We
nourish each other.
Bliss.
Your hair
touches my mouth, so clean and pure.
No smell,
just you.
So close,
no closer.
Intimate.
Yes and
no.
What more
do I need?
Nothing...
I am free.
I soothe
you, cherish you
love you
unconditionally.
For that
moment at least.
Phhttt!….
- it's gone.
That's
what you tell me….
You are
in conflict, and that is fine
for that
is life.
I ask no
more of you.
I merely
tell you, how I feel.
And you
tell me, to a degree.
Perhaps
one day, just you and me.
I
dream....
For we
then part, to sip our tea
like some
old couple with all that time behind them.
I cannot
leave you.
I cannot
help but love you.
An
addiction
Killing
me.
Sustaining
me.
Yet your
are free
Like a
bird, out there on another breeze.
I hear of
friends and ex lovers.
I see
them come like bees to honey.
You are
the honey.
Honey.
Hon.
You let
them come, for that is you.
So sweet
and free.
So
wonderful.
I hear
you say "hon" and that is you.
To him,
to them.
What does
it mean?
Where do
I fit, in this impermanent life?
This
friend not lover.
For fear
it comes upon me late at night, when we're apart.
Now,
here, alone in this white room.
Of all
those days of life you lead.
I am not
there, and should not be.
Or should
I be?
Will
someone cross your path like me
and take
my heart from you?
Lift you
up
fill you
up
and love
you and you love too?
Unconditional.
Forever.
Or maybe
just for a moment.
For then
this love is gone, and so am I,
alone in
this white room.
No hope
again to hug and hold;
no hope
of one day loving you.
This
thought, this feeling, cuts through me life a knife, again and again.
I am used
to it now.
A year to
become familiar.
A year.
As I lie
naked in a warm bath.
Exposed
to life.
Whilst
just outside kids and wife rely upon me so.
A love of
sorts is there,
of course
it is
unconditional
and ever
will be so.
But my
love for you is strong
stronger
strongest
and so
real.
The
strongest - need I say it?
Darkness
descends.
Without
it can I live? I ask.
No, don't
go there, for life is such a precious thing.
You are a
shadow - I take back my tears.
I say the
words - be wise, your vows.
Remember
them.
But
feeling rushes over me.
It washes
me away.
I care
for you, I care for them.
I hug my
wife and there is little there apart from care.
I hug you
now and bliss is there.
In your
bright kitchen
under a
creamy light.
So high.
So
bright.
So very
bright, we cannot hide
beneath
our hair and look down eyes.
So shy.
No drugs,
no shades
no
barriers or false facade.
Just some
bright light.
And I
tell you things I tell no other.
Never
have and never will.
"He's
gay you know!"
"She
sold herself!"
This is
how it is.
"I
love you so….."
Why do I
do it?
Perhaps
its just a game.
You told
me of your dissolution
and how
it saddened so.
The best
laid plans into the wind.
Petty,
shattered so.
Yet you
survive and carry on, to victory again.
You are
so strong.
So very
strong.
And this
is why I bleed
My heart
for you.
It comes
and goes, but only in degrees.
From oh
so strong to very strong.
My heart.
I'm on my
knees.
You say
you feel at times unsure
of deeds
and of your being.
You're
just a girl you know - you aint!
"Do
I look thin? Beautiful or not?"
Your
beauty overwhelms me…
A single
strand, it leads the way.
Cannot go
there, cannot…..
For
dreams aren't real
Least not
today.
So is it
true my love for you will never last forever?
Impermanent,
and blown away
Like
sands in your mandala.
If it be
true.
Then so
be it…..
But it
does not change a thing.
And so I
think one year from now……
As on the
edge I sit.
To leap,
to fall
To catch
it all
Or
through my fingers slip…….
-----------------------
Strange
Feeling #2
It felt
so strange today
Like
strangers
Strange.
No, like
friends
Just good
friends
Nothing
more.
Sigh…….
-----------------------
Deep
The
feelings
Though in my mind it’s still the same – deep
The feelings
Deep.
But open eyes and look around
Nothing.
You are not there.
Your presence, once so palpable
I could touch it in my dreams.
Lips – dried
Stomach churned.
Your words
Your thoughts
Your life and mine
Intertwined.
Now fading
Fading……..
I do not want this
Yet such is fate.
A powerful powerlessness
Keeps us apart
And so my dreams diminish
Fade…..
Into memory
Day by day
Slowly, so slowly.
Unsustainable
And unnourished.
Withering on a vine
A tree once green and lush.
A fruit tree he did sing.
And we did play amongst its branches
A rooftop to the sky
As the breeze blew through the leaves.
I now awake
And you are gone
Not yet, but soon.
I know it
Bit by bit
I feel it coming.
Horrible…..
And so today was strange,
So strange.
I
merely sat and stared
Into space
Into you eyes
Upon your face
And nothing more.
Your beautiful face.
Not much to say
Just being there and seeing.
Not much to do
Just sitting there and caring
Smiling.
In amongst the crowd.
So unalone.
A baby at the next table, crying
A mobile, so loud,
Again and again.
Sms, sms….
Turn that fucking thing off!
I want to think
I want some peace
To talk, to be, to share as one
To love.
It’s not to be……
To think, just you and me
Nothing more
Like on that mountain top
abyss
Before us and beyond
No sound, just nature’s kiss
A silence of the trees and cool air
Where we can speak
And nothing more around.
But not today
So strange
Like good friends having coffee.
“Let’s do lunch some day”
“Let’s catch up for a chat…..”
So strange
For that is not the way it was
In my life
In my dreams.
In your life
In your dreams.
Once upon a time…..
“I dreamt of you last night!”
That changed my life, you know.
Yes – words.
Not you
Not time or space
But words.
Your words
They changed my life.
Just words?
No way!
And then but you.
But who are you?
Just a girl, you say…..
Girl with the blue sky and the wind
Just a girl….
And who am I?
Just a boy or just a man?
Just a girl or just a woman?
Just a friend or just a lover…..
Just a dream
A feeling
Strange feeling.
Nothing more but life itself.
I feel so strange
Unlike before
Where things were clear, though complex
I feel so empty
A space inside
Where you once filled my soul
Day by day
Degree by degree
Thought, each thought
Was you.
Minute by minute.
I bathed in it
You nourished me
Like never.
Never before.
And so today I say thank you.
That’s all.
So cold, like a distant stranger.
I did not cry
Like before
When blue he sang his sad song.
I did not cry
Like before
When time sang out your name.
“Let’s do lunch some day”
No more.
Let’s fuck.
Let’s run away.
No more……..
14.4.04
Last updated: 18 February 2022
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