Love and suffering in partner relationships
| Buddhism | Consciousness | Love in the workplace | Partner relationships |
Contents
- Self & the other
- Female & male
- LoveX12
- Happiness
- A solution
- References
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Abstract: How can two people achieve a long-term, sustainable, intimate partner relationship? The following article outlines a simple, two-part methodology for addressing this issue, with references and video presentations providing pathways to sustainability, the minimization of suffering within the relationship, and the ultimate attainment of a loving partnership. The author utilises specific learnings from a number of contemporary female and male counselors (British and American), alongside historic analyses by Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung. The teachings of Buddha form the basis for self-management of suffering, a core element of the methodology. It is recognised that changing behaviour in this way is no overnight process; but it is also felt that free will is an enabler of the possibility of success. The methodology can be summarised as follows: BSM (Buddha Suffering Management) + LoveX12 (Trust / Commitment / Affection / Appreciation / Empathy / Friendship / Physical intimacy / Compromise / Respect / Kindness / Quality time / Generosity).
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1. Self & the other
Our emotional state is literally broadcast, whether we realise it or not.... (Myth Weaver 2025)
Falling in love, and being in love, is perhaps the most significant relationship one will have at any point in time, aside from that with children. It is the most intense, sustaining, satisfying and often longest. It can also be the most heartbreaking and traumatic. Why? Because our emotions emit energy which is transmitted outside of our body to those close too us, such as intimate partners and family, enabling them to pick up our true emotional state (Myth Weaver 2025). Therefore, if we ask our partner: "Is everything okay?" and they answer, "Yes, everything is fine, no problem," they may in fact be lying, whether they know it or not. This is because their real state of emotional energy - which could be positive, neutral or negative - cannot be hidden.
This is problematic, because if we are feeling negative or suffering, and trying to manage our suffering and protect the intimate relationship by accepting responsibility for the suffering, not wanting to force it upon them, then both partners need to understand this inherent openness. In engaging in an intimate relationship we unknowingly open ourselves up to emotional exposure. Of course this is fine when our emotional energy is neutral or positive, such as when we are happy, but problematic when it is negative and toxifying. As a result, a partner relationship needs to be nourished, cherished and recognised for what it is, and of the constraints placed upon it, whether meaningful or not. It should not be neglected or taken for granted.
To maintain and sustain an intimate relationship has benefit for both parties - physical, psychological and spiritual. Yet reality reveals the commonality (around 56% in Western societies) of relationship breakdown, divorce, and sadness all around - before, during and after. As the cause of immense suffering, it is worth considering a means to sustain the magic of falling in love and being in love, without reaching a stage where the reality of that fact is questioned by one or other, or both parties, leading to dissipation of connection, separation, and intimate relationship end. Whilst most people would look to management of the relationship as key, there is something more important, and more significant in regards to its long-term sustainability. This was hinted at above. That other thing is self care, or self-management of suffering. The teachings of the Buddha are considered by the present writer to be fundamental in dealing with this.
Self-care is key to a long, happy, healthy life, where suffering is managed, both within and outside of a partner relationship. Each individual is ultimately responsible for achieving that throughout their life, as suffering is encountered along the way. Self-knowledge is another vital element, and usually associated with the aging process and the getting of wisdom through experience. Using the directed teachings of the Buddha, and with increasing confidence in one's self, the world can be faced and the challenges of suffering addressed. Support may come from various quarters - teachers, intimate partners, children and family, friends or community. However, in order to manage suffering, the buck stops with the individual. One cannot simply blame the outside world for suffering faced and unhappiness felt, or look to others for its cessation. Blame solves nothing.
The extent to which individuals suffer, and bring suffering into a relationship, varies according to circumstance (e.g. nature vs. nurture) and especially childhood and early adult experience such as trauma which can persist. As noted in the following video clip, the role of parents can be key, emphasising the impact of the presence or lack of love (aka. attuned care) within their own partner relationship and its impact upon how they exhibit or reveal it to their children. A lacking in love and understanding can give rise to suffering in the form of, among other things, ongoing trauma and diminished mental well-being (de Botton 2025).
Self-care and knowledge of self are therefore key to long-term contentment and attainment of happiness, such that an individual can then bring that self-awareness into their partner relationship and not add to suffering in others.
The following videos and comments address some of the issues surrounding personal development, but most especially in regards to partner relationships and attachment to an individual, for the latter can be the ultimate focus in life at any point in time, on par with the role as parent. For both tasks, the aim is to be the best one can be - the Tibetan concept of Om mani padme om - which leads to happiness, or in the Buddhist context a Nirvana or Shambala on earth.
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2. Female and male
At this point the writer recognises the inherent male bias, or perception of bias, present in this article. A genuine effort has been made to ameliorate this, whilst realising that the very nature of the topic and reality of the situation make that near impossible. In the so-called "war between the sexes" the lines have long been drawn and peace is only envisaged on the distant horizon. However, as Kate Bush expounded in her 1985 / 2022 hit song Running Up That Hill (A Deal with God), whilst it would be ideal to make such a deal with God to "swap places" with one's partner (i.e. male with female, female with male, or any other gender variations) in order to - for a time at least - understand the perspective of the partner, such a deal is not possible. As Bush sang, "If I only could....."
In seeking amelioration towards a less biased view, the writer has made use of, and been heavily influenced by female counselors such as Karyn Seitz and Laura How, and scientists such as Mayam Bialik, in order to somewhat balance the views of influential historic male commentators on relationship matters, including Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung. That process is only successful to a degree, as the writer's personal views are reflected in the social media nature of the article, which lies outside of the intended unbiased framework of an academic equivalent. Nevertheless, the methodology presented below - Suffering Management + LoveX12 - aims to be sex / gender neutral. The writer believes it is workable and may - to continue the military analogy - lead to a cease fire between the warring partner factions / forces, and peace in our time. There are numerous analyses available from the female perspective in regards to the suffering men bring to relationships, mostly centred around neediness and pre-emptive anxiety over relationship breakdown. One of these is the commentary by Appollonia Ponti presented below.
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3. LoveX12
Reciprocity is key in any intimate partner relationship, for the needs of both parties are reasonable and necessary if it is to remain healthy, loving, and long-term. One partner cannot dominate the other. In the parent relationship the role is often teacher and guide. The complex nature of the partner relationship is different and little appreciated. Aspects of the depth of significance of, for example, physical and psychological attachment - a key element of the partner relationship - were revealed in 2012 by a neuroscientist and a psychologist, as follows:
Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the levels of hormones in our blood. We are no longer separate entities. The emphasis on differentiation that is held by most of today's popular psychology approaches to adult relationships does not hold water from a biology perspective. Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or a preference. (Levine and Heller 2012)
The rejection of traditional counseling and partner relationship treatments, as noted in the previous paragraph, will be seen throughout this article. The element of dependency mentioned above is another word for the whole "Do you have my back?" accusation, or "Having one's back" feeling which enhances intimacy.
Examples of reasonable and required partner relationship needs and actions - all of which can be wrapped up into a neat bundle labelled Love times 12 / LoveX12 - include the following, as highlighted in English counselor Laura How's Truth podcast (How 2024):
- Trust
- Commitment
- Affection
- Appreciation
- Empathy
- Friendship
- Satisfying sex (aka. physical intimacy)
- Compromise
- Respect
- Kindness
- Quality time
- Generosity
It can be seen that many of these are closely related and, in fact, form an holistic whole that encompasses much of what is entailed in falling in love and being in love. They merely codify things that are already known and experienced by couples. These elements are elaborated upon in the following YouTube video by How, from which the twelve elements were taken. The needs and actions relate to both individuals forming a partnership, whether male and female, or other gender mix.
How to get your relationship needs met, Laura How - Truth, 27 November 2024, YouTube, duration: 14.35 minutes.
The above presentation has four main actions required in order to obtain legitimate and necessary intimate relationship needs:
- Identify your needs clearly to yourself
- Communicate them to your partner
- Take care of yourself
- Work out who you are dealing with
It is important to address these needs, and the situation, with loving kindness and compassion, and maintain an open perspective regarding both sides of the situation. Real communication between the two is also key. Beyond this, two YouTube video interviews presented by actress and neuroscientist Mayam Bialik (Amy of The Big Bang Theory) reinforce the health and well-being attributes of a long-term, loving relationship, as opposed to experiencing solitude, relationship breakdown, and the resultant negative physical and psychological impacts arising therein. The first video deals with the causes of affairs and divorce and offers a recipe for relationship success. The interviewees therein are Drs. John and Julie Gottman, two very experienced US psychologists and relationship experts in their early 70s - one addressing the subject from an academic standpoint, and the other from a practical, clinical stance.
Why women are more unhappily married, Dr. Mayam Bialik, 6 August 2024, YouTube, duration: 138 minutes.
Bialik's second video, which looks at the science behind enhanced physical intimacy, in all its forms. The interviewee is Susan Bratton.
The science behind good sex and how to have sexual intimacy, Dr. Mayam Bialik, 18 February 2025, YouTube, duration: 88 minutes.
As noted in the LoveX12 listings, physical intimacy is key to the sustainability of an intimate, partner relationship. This can range from a simple phone call, being in the same room together, physical touch such as holding hands and embracing and, ultimately sexual intimacy as in kissing and intercourse, all of which can also entail some degree of psychological openness and attachment beyond the physical elements. All parties place a varying degree of emphasis on physical intimacy during the life of a partnership, and in many instances its absence can be the cause of relationship breakdown.
Why do individuals in intimate partnerships have affairs? The main reason is that the partnership is failing and that the person, after much consideration, begins to consider, and/or look for, a replacement whilst they are still in the partnership. Why don't they leave? Because loneliness (unhappiness) within the partnership is better than being alone. The resulting breakup can then take three forms, two of which may be devastating to the aggrieved partner: (1) They leave without telling their partner why; (2) they leave following a period of discussion in which they tell their partner why they are not happy, but no solution is reached; and (3) both parties, following open communication, come to the realisation that the partnership has broken down and they agree to separate for the good of both. The latter does not mean that they do not still have deep feelings for each other; it simply means that the partnership is not a truly intimate one, and that the LoveX12 scenario is not being applied by one or both.
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4. Happiness
Happy individuals will sustain a happy partner relationship (Harasymchuk 2022)
As noted above, happiness comes from within, not without. Both partners are ultimately responsible for their own happiness, in the knowledge that the external environment is often the source of suffering. This is reinforced in the following short video from American counselor Karyn Seitz. The message is quite stark and confronting, arising in large part out of Seitz's first-hand experience and professional engagement with both men and women.
Karyn Seitz, Stop trying to make your wife happy, The Happy Wife School, 7 October 2023, YouTube, duration: 0.57 minutes.
This philosophy ties in with Buddhist teachings around managing suffering. Of course, there are perhaps more such videos dealing with male insecurity and suffocating neediness in relationships, and how toxic that can be. For example, the following:
How to stop being needy and insecure - 8 tips for men, Appollonia Ponti, 22 August 2018, YouTube, duration: 11.32 minutes.
Another view from Seitz goes to the core of much of the conflict between men, women and same sex partners, namely that men are "problem solvers" and women are "pain avoiders", which is in many ways analogous to the well-known fight or flight behaviour in humans. This philosophy also ties in with much of the early twentieth century writings of Freud and Jung.
Karyn Seitz, Why your wife is so emotionally dysregulated, The Happy Wife School, 4 May 2025, YouTube, duration: 70.08 minutes.
Associated with this is the use of emotion to avoid conflict, and the emotional dysregulation commonly exhibited by women. In being emotional, core issues can be left unaddressed, such that whereas a process of calm, self-reflection can provide a solution and enable the individual to address an issue and eventually move on, leaving it behind; by instead adopting an emotional and aggressive / blame stance, the issue is avoided and never solved. This flies in the face of much recent psychological and psychiatric practice, where emotional release is encouraged. Unfortunately, the reality is that ...there is no feeling in being emotional.
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5. A solution
In taking on board the above information, the writer offers a two-phased solution for achieving and sustaining a long-term, intimate, partner relationship:
1. Suffering self-management
2. LoveX12 (action items outlined above)
The first action involves implementation of a strategy of removing personal suffering from the partner relationship through direct intent, and based upon self-management of that suffering by the person experiencing the suffering, increasing their awareness and understanding of it, and therefore ultimately ultimately accepting responsibility for its management. This removes from the relationship the threat of blame being cast upon the other, or the other being tasked with solving their partner's suffering. That task of suffering management must rest outside the partner relationship. The primary methodology applied to the relief of suffering ("Dhukka") is development of an understanding of the teachings of Buddha, especially those around suffering which are focussed on this (Littlefair 2020). Looking inward - both alongside the contemporary process of mindfulness, but also with the help of devices such as diaries and journals which enable one to record life events and go back over them to support later learnings - enables one to address the issue of the management of suffering going forward (do Botton 2025b).
The second element is to recognise the significance of the partner relationship, treat it as a separate entity, ensure that individual suffering is not brought to bear upon the relationship, and secrete it away to the degree where it can breathe and develop without being brought down by the intrusion of personal suffering. The LoveX12 action list will guide its implementation.
In combination, both strategies will support the nourishment of intimate partner relationships. Without achievement of suffering self-management, the toxic nature of the other's suffering will destroy it. With a will on the part of both parties, behaviours which can negatively impact upon partner relationships, and which have been developed largely subconsciously since birth, can be shut down, at least held at bay from the intimate environment of the relationship, resulting in enhanced well-being for all those involved.
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6. References
Bialik, Mayam, Why women are more unhappily married, Dr. Mayam Bialik, 6 August 2024, YouTube, duration: 138 minutes.
-----, The science behind good sex and how to have sexual intimacy, Dr. Mayam Bialik, 18 February 2025, YouTube, duration: 88 minutes.
de Botton, Allain (a), "All mental illness stems from lack of attuned care or love to this person," Dr. Rangan Chatterjee, 21 November 2025, YouTube, [Short] duration: 1.10 minutes / [Full episode] 105.26 minutes.
----- (b), How to fix your negative patterns, The School of Life, 27 March 2025, YouTube, duration: 108.18 minutes.
Harasymchuk, Cheryl, Happy wife, happy life?: A harmonious relationship is the responsibility of both partners, The Conversation, 19 October 2022.
How, Laura, How to get your relationship needs met, Laura How - Truth, 27 November 2024, YouTube, duration: 14.35 minutes.
-----, Why a sexual marriage is a healthy marriage, Laura How, 18 March 2025, YouTube, duration: 9.51 minutes.
Levine, Amir and Rachel Heller, Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find - and keep - love, Tarcher, 2012, 304p.
Littlefair, Sam, Nine Buddhists teachers explain suffering, Lion's Roar, 30 April 2020.
Maoli, Nazanin, Ten sexless relationship effects no one talks about, Dr. Nazanin Maoli, YouTube, duration: 11.34 minutes.
Myth Weaver, QED Schumann Consciousness, Myth Weaver, 25 June 2025, YouTube, duration: 19.28 minutes.
Seitz, Karyn, Men: Stop trying to make your wife happy, The Happy Wife School, YouTube, 2024, duration: 0.30 minutes.
-----, Why your wife is so emotionally dysregulated, The Happy Wife School, 4 May 2025, YouTube, duration: 70.08 minutes.
Wikipedia, Fight or flight response, Wikipedia, accessed 12 June 2025.
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| Buddhism | Consciousness | Love in the workplace | Partner relationships |
Last updated: 1 July 2025
Michael Organ, Australia
[Addenda: A 15 minute long video version of an edited form of the aforementioned article - generated using the CapCut AI video generator program - is available on YouTube here; an amended version with avatar presenter is available here. MO 1 July 2025]
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